I Don't Like Dating

I've been out with C2 a total of three times now, and I've realized that the reason I'm not in a relationship might be that I don't like to date. My second date with C2 was at a fondue restaurant. I like cheese and I like C2, but I was sort of indifferent to being there. I thought maybe I was worried about the money. So, I laid it out: I do not make much money, I have student loans to pay, I am willing to pay for my portion of this meal, but I cannot afford to eat out often. He graciously offered to pay the bill, which I excepted (because OH MY GOD, it cost $40 for a pot of cheese), but he seemed concerned that I had student loans and made light of my worries by saying, "I think it would be fun to live from pay check to pay check." I said nothing because I'm not the confrontational type, but what? Do you realize that I do live from pay check to pay check? That it is not an adventure or a choice, but just the way it is for many, may people including myself? I think there is a fundamental difference in the way C2 and I live and the way we grew up. He does not have student loans because his parents paid for school. I cannot hold that against him. If my parents had had the means to help me with school, they would have and I would have taken it. But he seemed surprised that I had student loans, and that's what worries me--the assumption that I am like him. What will he think when he finds out that I'm not?

Despite everything, C2 still wanted to go on a 3rd date. I couldn't think of anything really wrong with him (he had now spent quite a bit of money on me and had been nothing but perfectly nice), so I agreed. I said that I had plans on Saturday (a trip to the Brooklyn Museum with Elle to see the Hide/Seek exhibit followed by a game of hide and seek in Prospect Park), but would see him after. Sunday really would have been better, but he was busy. He suggested we meet in Hoboken, where he lives. I was not excited and kind of nervous about going to New Jersey, but it seemed like the polite thing to do since we had previously met in Manhattan. Mostly, I didn't want to go because it was a different transit system and I would have to buy a ticket, but a three dollar bus ticket wasn't much to ask after all he'd spent on me.

I arrived in Hoboken all bundled up in my hide and seek clothes, two pairs of pants (I had wiped the dirt off the outer layer rather than wasting time going home to change). C2 and I ate pizza at a nice Italian restaurant. He paid again. I didn't even offer. Now we've set a precedent: he picks the restaurant, he picks what we eat, he pays. Really, he decides everything. I realized that at the Italian restaurant and thought "this is not a good habit to get into," but then I didn't feel like I had the right to complain--his money and all. After the restaurant, I really could have gone home. I don't like to be out late, and it takes quite a while to get to the part of Brooklyn where I live, but C2 had somewhere else for us to go. He didn't tell me where, just that we couldn't go yet, so we went back to his apartment and awkwardly watched a movie until it was time.

It turned out that we were waiting for a limo--a free limo that this bar has--to pick us up and bring us to the bar. I'll admit, it was pretty cool. The only other time I've ever been in a limo was Junior Prom. And, though I don't really like loud, crowded places, the bar had a live band that played music I liked and C2 bought me a drink and we danced badly. There was a black light on the dance floor that glowed off of people's white t-shirts and neon bracelets and bright orange bras under thin black tank tops and all the cat hair on the lumpy sweater I was wearing because, as you'll recall, I was dressed to play hide and seek.Two pairs of pants, and I was very very warm and definitely not the prettiest of the girls on the dance floor.

When we finally headed out, I wasn't sure if I was happy or if I'd had fun. I had liked the band, but I didn't want to be in New Jersey. It was late and I wanted to be home in my bed. I was thinking about all the time I had spent and how I could have been on the internet or reading a book or sleeping, and then I thought that maybe I didn't really like this person who I was spending time with. But, again, he was so nice. How could I not? Then he asked me to see him the next day, the day he supposedly was busy, and I said yes because I didn't know what else to say. But the more I thought about it, the more upset I became because why did I have to go to New Jersey on Saturday if he was going to be in Brooklyn on Sunday and could see me after his plans. And two days in a row was too much. I needed to spend more time alone in my apartment. I had only seen him three times, but it seemed like much more. I felt overwhelmed. And so I texted him and told him that I couldn't see him on Sunday. I needed to do my laundry and buy groceries--that really was the truth.

So, I've concluded that I really don't like dating. I don't like spending money unnecessarily even if it's someone else's money. Really, especially if it's someone else's money. It seems so fake, so forced. And really, I'd rather be home. I'm seeing C2 again on Saturday, but I'm not sure what to do from there. I'm definitely not his girl friend and I don't want to be his girl friend, so I feel like I'm leading him on, which is mean. But not seeing him anymore after he has invested in me is mean too. And there is no reason for me not to like him. I don't not like. I'm totally indifferent. Maybe that's worse.

I need to stop being so stupid and wishy washy and easily manipulated. But I have so many excuses.